News Flashes

In speed walking (I calculate that I go about 42 mph) through both Juffair and Amwaj Island I very often see vacancy signs, as both areas have a great number of apartments that need tenants.

Some of the signs say “For Rent,” but at least half use Brit-speak and say something else. You know that this area’s first foreign influence was British. And every one of you remembers that what are now the United Arab Emirates were previously the Trucial States, under a British Protectorate. So there are still a lot of British reminders throughout the Gulf.

And one of them, regarding vacancies, is: “To Let.” So as I zip around I see a lot of For Rents and a lot more of To Lets. But when I see TO LET from a distance, my body, from long years of conditioning, immediately makes a beeline for that sign. It seems that my mind (which is a trickster) doesn’t recognize that there’s a missing letter. Anyway, I get there as fast as I can, anticipation building.
There’s no need to go into detail about what happens once I arrive, but let it suffice to say that there have been some loud and colorful shouting matches. And that I’ve never even once been arrested.
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I wonder how you’re doing with your honey and cinnamon regimen. I’ve been on it about four months now and it’s for sure a wonder drug. It cures absolutely everything, and also promotes weight loss—something not relevant to me but which you, Tubbo, may be somewhat interested in. Earlier, I’d told you how I’d seen results within just a couple of weeks: no new outbreaks of acne, plus I’d suddenly gained feeling below my knees.

The list has grown. I was thinking real hard the other day and I realized that I’ve also been free of diphtheria, whooping cough, measles, tuberculosis, insanity, bowlegedness, colic, and swayback. For just a minute there one morning I thought I’d contracted mumps when I woke up with a swollen jaw. But then I thought back to the night before and remembered that when I’d gone in to pick up my laundry around the corner one of the workers (a suspicious sort of fellow by the name of Baboo) had accidentally hit me with a croquet mallet. So no mumps either.

And it gets even better. What with having regained feeling in my lower extremities I, one night, just for the fun of it, decided to put on my cowboy boots. With a tad of effort I squeezed my sausage-like phalanges into those pointy-toed rascals and had a look in the mirror. Pretty darn good. Why stop here?

So I went down to a cowboy place in Juffair, called the Texas Buttstomper, and did a little showing off. At first by just letting folks admire my boots while I watched the line dancing. But then (you decide if it was a miracle or not) those boots suddenly took on a life of their own and made my feet do things they never knew they could do. The bottom line is that I was a line dancing rock star for like three hours. And, more kudos to the honey and cinnamon: I’d never known a single step before that night. I’m tellin ya, it’s good stuff.
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We won our last game of the first phase of league play by giving a dose of strong medicine to winless Bahrain Club. Their coach, who until now had invariably worn long baggy blue shorts to go with an NFL jersey, on this night pulled a surprise. He matched up his Isaac Bruce Forty-Niners shirt with matching RED long baggy shorts. One night I asked him how many jerseys he had. He told me, proudly, that he had five—a friend of his in Canada sends them to him. You see how good it is to be well-connected, especially with Canucks? Eh?

The following night, the last game of the schedule was played and we received an unexpected gift, as Hala, playing without two injured starters, upset Ahli. We had been tied for first with Ahli and Manama and this result knocked Ahli down to third while we’re first because of a point difference over Manama; although we have the same record at 15-3. We have not won a championship, but by being first after two full rounds of play have qualified to represent Bahrain next year in the Arab Games. The winner of the grand finale, the Golden Square, will be the rep to the Gulf Games. Meanwhile, we start a new Cup competition tomorrow night, our first game against the team that just finished sixth. We still have three injured players so can take nothing for granted. Except great health, if we take large doses of you-know-what.
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Okay, the economy is in shambles. Jobs have disappeared, incomes have shrunk. You’d hoped to make a ton from the comfort of your home by working for E-Bay or Google, but that hasn’t worked out…as you knew, deep down, it wouldn’t. What to do?

Let me tell you about great opportunities in a thriving industry here. Just about all of the fast food places and a great many low budget type restaurants offer delivery service. And that service requires both a goodly number of motor scooters and a delivery person for each. There are swarms of these people on the busy streets.

The benefits are great. You get absolutely tons of fresh air up your nose, as you, excitedly, zip in and out of what might be described as “interesting” local traffic conditions. In addition to your insulated delivery box behind your seat (keeping you warm in winter), you have a horn and get to wear a crash helmet. At any given delivery point you may expect a tip ranging from the equivalent of 50 cents all the way up to a dollar. You will learn shortcuts that will make you the envy of your neighborhood back in India…or in your case, the West. I want you to seriously consider if this might not be the exciting adventure and career move that you’ve been looking for.

The only tiny drawback is that, statistically, you’ll have a life expectancy of exactly 227.2 days. But who’s to say you won’t laugh in the face of those odds, and whiz around a great deal longer?

As the Philosopher said: "It's a great life if you don't weaken."
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Well, Jenny the bride-to-be has come and gone. You remember when, three weeks ago, Rick proposed to her in public practically the second she sat foot in the Kingdom…in the Arrivals Hall at the airport? Speechless, she’d nodded her head yes, but I was just thinking. Is a non-verbalism legally binding? Or can she somehow squirm out of it without making Ann Landers mad?

No need to wonder too hard on that though, because she doesn’t seem to want to squirm out. She was here for 16 days and everything seems to have been a real life fairy tale. She likes both Rick and Bahrain. (What do you mean: “Is she on drugs?” Of course not!) And since he’s anticipating a move to Dubai they also took a 4-day side trip to the nearby Emirates and enjoyed themselves to the max while there.

Remember the ring that Rick took ten seconds to pick out…gold with tiny little pearls in a design? Well, at first she pretended to like it. Then she admitted that just maybe they should think about a possible exchange. Then, finally, she admitted that she hated its guts. That surprised me, because I didn’t even realize rings had intestines. But sure enough…she showed me part of the duodenum that she’d ripped off in a rage. Which left Rick, who’s for World Peace, ashen and shaken.

“Get used to it!” she shrieked. And then smiled sweetly at him and hinted that she was maybe just joking. But her college soccer coach at Charleston Southern wasn’t just joking when she reported back after a summer off and he called her Lard Bucket. Or was it Butterball? It was one of those two. Anyway, she admits that she’d gained a pound or two but got even with him when he wouldn’t let her play until she was again svelte. By sulking.

You’ll like this: Rick, in summing up his feelings for her, said to me, “She was everything that I expected her to be…and much, much more.” Okay, when you girls out there have stopped dabbing your eyes, and when the guys have stopped regurgitating, I’ll fill you in on what’s next. So now you’re ready? Okay.

Rick will tentatively fly to North Carolina next Month and the knot will be tied in perhaps a civil ceremony. He’ll stay there maybe a week and then come back here and then…either she’ll come here…or he’ll move there…or they will both move to Dubai…who knows? You’ll have to stay tuned to find out.