The Pre-Game Meeting

The women’s team had left the locker room and taken the floor. Only a large part of the coaching staff remained.

The game was a big one and so the pre-game meeting was vitally important.

Head Coach Ullom, serious determination etched on his manly face, paced the room. He stopped, and looked to Assisstant Coach Drahos.

"Assisstant Coach Drahos, what kind of a start do you visualize us getting off to in order to win this game?"

Fidgeting nervously, Asst. Coach Drahos, looked up from the stool upon which he was perched, and answered, "I was sorta thinkin if we could maybe go up early, 12-0, then we--"

Coach Ullom cut him off with the insightful query, "Why twelve, Asst. Coach Drahos? Why not, say, twenty-three?" Only a little rattled, Asst. Coach Drahos, his eyes to the floor, answered, "Well, up in Moundsville...I mean down in Moundsville, we always had this saying--'Good to be up a Doz Cuz.' So it seems like a--"

Head Coach Ullom snapped, "That's pitiful rhyming, Asst. Coach Drahos! O and U don't work at all. And besides that, you didn't differentiate between a regular dozen and a baker's dozen."

Abashed, Asst. Coach Drahos hung his head and studied his shoes. That's when he noticed one heel was missing. He was wondering where it might have gotten off to when suddenly Asst. Coach Jared, stuffing the last of a hot dog into his mouth, piped up: “Dad, what's a baker's dozen?”

The Head Coach replied, "It's thirteen." Asst. Coach Jared then responded very sensibly with, "Then may I have a baker's dozen doughnuts right now?" The Head Coach gazed at him steadily and then said, "First, let's hear your idea on how to start the game."

"Open the wide doors that lead, you know, into the gym, and then have Batman and Robin drive in at, like, two-hundred miles an hour, and just, like, drive right over the Fairmont players on their bench. You know...squish 'em." The youngish aide then put a 32-ounce Pepsi to his diminutive lips and drained the bottle expertly.

As the Head Coach was considering this second possible scenario he suddenly wheeled to Asst. Coach Aaron and demanded, "And what's your idea, Asst. Coach Aaron?" Asst. Coach Aaron immediately said, "If we concentrate on--" But he was cut off by the impatient Head Coach, who snapped: "Shut-up, Asst. Coach Aaron! You've had plenty of time to think about a game plan! You should have been ready!"

The Head Coach paced some more, thinking. Then commanded, "Assisstant Coach Aaron, get out there and measure how wide those doors are!" Fumbling for the tape measure in his pocket, Asst. Coach Aaron stood and exited the room. Some more pacing and then, sneeringly, "Asst. Coach Drahos…OK, let's say we do go up a DOZ CUZ...and then what?"

Unable to hold the Head Mentor's steely gaze, Asst. Coach Drahos dropped his eyes, and said, "Well, I thought that then we could maybe up the lead to 21-7." A scowl immediately took control of Head Coach Ullom's manly face. He shook his head scornfully and said, "Asst. Coach Drahos, I wish you knew how many times I've seen a team down 21-7, then they score a touchdown and kick the extra point...and then, with the clock running out, they score another TD...and then they go for the two point conversion...and MAKE it, and presto, the team that was ahead 21-7 has LOST! So is THAT what you're advising...a recipe for losing?!"

Shattered, Asst. Coach Drahos felt his underwear dampen just slightly, and then said, "Sir, no, sir." He then began an examination of his folded hands and was a bit surprised to see that much of his fingernail polish was chipped off. "Baby Pink," he muttered to himself.

"What did you say, Asst. Coach Drahos?!" demanded his master. Eyes still down and balanced precariously on the edge of the stool, Asst. Coach Drahos said, "I said, 'Sorry, I didn't think about that.'" The Commandant glared down at him. But just then his attention was diverted to Asst. Coach Aaron who at that time returned.

"Well?" demanded Head Coach Ullom. Assisstant Coach Aaron studied the small notebook in his hand and said, "If the doors are completely open there is a space 33 feet wide. Since the Batmobile is seven feet wide, theoretically four full Batmobiles and five-seventh of another could come roaring through."

"Asst. Coach Aaron, that's ridiculous!" shouted the Head Coach. "Did Asst. Coach Jared say anything about MULTIPLE Batmobiles mowing down the Falcon warriors?!" Asst. Coach Jared, dumping the last of a bag of popcorn into his mouth, joined in on the assault, with, "Asst. Coach Aaron, there are no five-seventh Batmobiles. What would happen to Robin? Would only, like, two-thirds of him be sitting next to Batman? That's impossible."

"Well said, Asst. Coach Jared," replied the Head Coach. "All those Math camps we send you to in the summer are paying handsome dividends. But what would be your advice if, by some mischance, we should fall behind?"

Popping half a dozen Gummi Bears into his mouth, Asst. Coach Jared barely hesitated before responding, "We could have Spiderman hidden in the rafters and he could let down a spidery web net and, like, when their coach wasn't looking, he could, like, snatch up all but three of Fairmont's players."

"All but three. I like that. That would leave three-fifths of a full complement of the quintet, would it not?" Asst. Coach Jared was busy stuffing an extra-large Snickers into his mouth and couldn't answer verbally, but nodded his head yes. This gave the Head Coach a smug smile; he'd thought he was right. But it didn't last, because he turned quickly on Coach Aaron with "And you, Asst. Coach Aaron, how do you say we overcome adversity?"

Immediately, Asst. Coach Aaron responded that, "In every case where--" but didn't quite finish the thought, as the Head Coach countered heatedly with, "A SUBJECT, Asst. Coach Aaron! And a VERB! I need a noun and a verb from you in order to understand what you're trying to say! What's wrong with you?! Quit rambling! Now get out your cell phone and call Asst. Coaches The Minches and have them get a baker's dozen doughnuts to Asst. Coach Jared within six minutes! And tell them not to scrimp on cream-filled chocolate ones!"

Still in something of a frenzy owing to Asst. Coach Aaron's sketchy answers, Head Coach Ullom stamped around the room, his manly face red and saying terrible things. But he stopped abruptly when he heard something familiar just outside the locker room door. It was the voice of his approaching wife, Asst. Head Coach Jo Jo. As the door began to open he quickly and adroitly let himself into the nearest full-length player's locker and closed its door.

Asst. Head Coach Jo Jo barged into the room and raged, "Where IS that IMBICILE?! He forgot again that he is supposed to report to Reid “the Voice” Amos for the pre-game interview exactly at the top of the hour, didn't he?! She stomped around the room, breathing threats and murder upon the person of the absent Head Mentor.

Asst. Coach Drahos cringed in terror from his place on the floor where he'd fallen. Asst. Coach Aaron asserted, "I have both nouns AND verbs." Asst. Coach Jared said, "Mom, can I have two more hot dogs?"

[READER’S GUIDE: In order to better understand this almost-verbatim story, it would be helpful to know a little about its characters:
Lynn Ullom is closing in on his 400th career win at West Liberty University.
Mike Drahos, at 6-6, was a college standout and All-Conference MVP, as was his twin brother, Matt, who coaches at a nearby college. Unfortunately there was not space enough in which to embarrass Matt in this piece.
Aaron Huffman was a very successful head coach at the college level and is currently colorman for Reid (The Fastest Gun in the Mountain State) Amos during broadcast of the men’s games. Both are scholarly and astute.
Jared Ullom, about 9 or 10, has for the past three years sat next to his father on the Fighting Mountain Weevils’ bench. He has chosen to dress nearly identically to his father every time, sporting coat and tie. He enjoys sharing an opening handshake with the opposing coach. He is a huge Super Heroes fan. He is not adverse to consuming portions of junk food…in quantity.
The Minches are former player and asst. coach Ashleigh and head trainer Herb, now bound together in holy matrimony. Ashleigh is regarded as something of a marvel in her small hometown, in that she claims to have never eaten road kill.
Jo Jo Ullom is not only the head coach’s wife, she doubles as the mayor of surging West Liberty, WV. She vows to one day be Governor. She would remind you of your favorite aunt, only twice as wonderful. Unfortunately, her five-year-old daughter Ling Ling, a member of the Chinese Olympic gymnastics squad, has not yet been added to the coaching staff by her father, and so was unqualified to appear here. It is also worthy of note that the Weevils indeed opened up 12-0 and 21-7 early leads in securing an important victory over visiting Fairmont a few days ago.]