A Near Death Experience

Brethren and Sisthren,

I’ve recently had a Near Death Experience. My spirit didn’t actually rise up above my body and look down at the proceedings…but it was that close to happening.
Here’s what happened. A few days ago my power-walk took me far afield from my apartment, over in the neighborhood of Ahli Club, maybe two miles distant. Very near the club itself, suddenly an eerie flash flooded my consciousness. I, at first, thought it only the natural fear accompanying the fact that we have a must-win game coming up with the Black and Gold in a couple of weeks. It was only later, as I leafed through the Bahrain Daily News, that I learned the truth: what I had seen in the invisible realm was nothing less than The Shadow of Death.

The newspaper reported an interesting story. A circus with a wild animal act had recently played a number of performances here. The stars of this act are half a dozen ferocious lions. Well, the engagement ended and it would be a week before the show would move on to Qatar.

So in this interim a good number of terrified citizens near Ahli Club have pestered the police in their frenzied fear and trepidation…because the lions are temporarily housed in cages atop a certain apartment house complex. And the citizens in the near-vicinity report that the angry roars of the beasts keep them awake all night. Others have reported seeing the felines pacing their cages and slamming into their wooden confines. These people are petrified that the lions will escape. And my walk had taken me within just TWO BLOCKS of this scenario. I could easily have had an escaped lion leap from atop the building and crash down on my shaved head. I know: not a pretty picture to contemplate. (Especially the certainty of lion guts strewn all over the place in the aftermath.)

But doesn’t this just illustrate how stupid people can be? I mean, where do all of these complainers think the lions should be waiting, if not atop an apartment building? Do they think they should be housed in Lion Shelters? Wake up people, there ARE NO Lion Shelters!! Except deep in the heart of the savage African jungle! No, nothing could be more natural than keeping the cats right where they were. Or else why would the owners have put them there?

And these people that are so convinced that personal disaster is just a pawsreach away…how many of their friends, family and neighbors have actually ever been eaten by lions? The answer: VERY FEW!! So just chill. The only person in any real danger was me. And I have, as an example to society, complained to the police not at all. So follow my lead if by chance these same circumstances should surround you.
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But this “24” program! By chance, I happened to wander into a Video Rental shop in the Jazira (which means“island”) mini-mall and discover a dusty series of these obscure episodes on a shelf. I rent them, never dreaming anyone would have heard of them. But then two people wrote me earlier about this program and now TWO MORE have also chimed in. First, Mike says about Agent Jack Bauer (you remember that he may well be my alter ego):

"Concerning this '24' television program……… there is one thing that Jack has that you might not be able to compete with…… his INFINITE ability to reconfigure the electronic equipment in his SUV to do pretty much anything needed: finger print scanner, fax machine, microscope, ballistic gun powder analyzer, coffee maker, thermal imager, surface to air missile, gastro spectrum analysis – all at the touch of a button or with some simple rewiring."

Mikey, very perceptive! And then guess who I hear from? My very daughter, Kharis! You probably realize that she has just curated an art show in New York City and has been very busy; but not too busy to inform us that:

"…our life remains even more chaotic than the average day enjoyed by special agent Jack Bauer. (Bet you didn’t know that I too have had my fair dose of “24” – spent all of Season 1 desperately hoping that his vacuous daughter would explode.)"

Well, I can go Kharis one better! I voted for not only vacuous self-centered daughter Kim to explode, but also her whining mother right along with her! I leapt for joy when double agent Nina Meyers filled Mom with hot lead!

Kharis also took time from her busy schedule to comment on our “Rich and Skinny” report. She, sagely, writes that:

"I also vote to be Rich and Skinny! Can’t wait to see how stupid those Poor and Fat people feel when they realize that they jumped on the wrong bandwagon!"

Well said! You Go, girl! Most of you will probably want to see more about this art show (the first half of which was her own oil paintings getting a gallery showing last year in the Apple) and see a picture of Kharis and another girl (Kharis is the one without the barbed wire tattoo around her bicep) by going to:
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/
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Since my last report on the basketball wars we’ve had three contests. Two happy endings, one very sad ending. The first clash was against Manama, the team that we beat in overtime, by four points, in the first round. This time we were again victimized by bad reffing, particularly from our old friend Fadl (yes, the very individual that deserves to undergo China’s Death by a Thousand Tortures). We were up by one with just over five minutes left when Lamond was quickly awarded dual invisible fouls and had to leave the game with five personals. Their American, a strong post player, was not in foul trouble and so things looked bleak for us. But our all-local squad hung tough and we were up two points when they rebounded a missed free throw with seven seconds left; they raced the ball upcourt and at the buzzer one of their wings hit a fallaway 3-pointer. Heartbreak.

Next we played Hala, who beat us earlier by 3 points at game’s end. We needed to not only win this game, but win it by more than 3 points in the event a tie-breaker may be needed to determine placings at end of league (we hold the tie-break advantage over Manama, by three points). In this game we scored way more than the needed four points, walloping them by six. Interestingly, two of the refs (but not the villainous Fadl) who made critical bad calls against us in the Manama game apologized to me for them before this tilt. First time that’s ever happened to me in the Gulf. The games are re-shown on TV and bad calls are sometimes very easy to see, which was the case here. So, to their credit, they fessed up.

Then last nite we finally had a romp, winning by 30 against the ninth place team. So now we are 11-3, both Manama and Ahli are 12-2, Hala is 10-4. For us to win league we need to win our next four games, beating Ahli by 3 or more in the process; and Manama must lose a game. After league comes a long succession of playoff games, which will be explained later.

But for now just remember: there’s nothing to fear except fear itself…and possibly wild lions on your roof.

The Lion Tamer